2022.01.20 05:51 Cautious_Fly2226 My first love
We met in middle school. We were super close and had a big friend group. I “dated” his friend, and eventually me and him “dated”. I would never say this to him, but during this time I was never as into him as he was into me. I remember saying “wouldn’t it suck if you had to move and we had to break up”, and a month later he had to move and we broke up. I continued through high school talking to guys but never having a serious relationship. Then I started college at the local JC, and he had moved back. He messaged me asking to hangout. All my life I have been very reserved. I have about 6 friends and I met them all in middle school. I don’t really let people in, not new people. I was hesitant to hangout, with my social anxiety, and such. But it was different, I knew him, we just hadn’t seen each other in a few years. The first night we hung out and it was fun. We kept hanging out and kept having fun. I knew his intentions were to date/have sex, but I wasn’t ready for any of that. Months later and our love develops more. We start to see each other a lot and we start to date.
Our love was by no means at first site. Actually, in the beginning, just like during middle school, I was never as into him as he was into me. But everyday we spent together the more my love grew for him. I never wanted to love him. I really didn’t, I honestly fought it at first. We continued to spend everyday together, and I remember when he cleaned out a drawer in his dresser for me. I was so happy. And then slowly all my stuff ended up there, and then I was living there full time. Of course we had our problems, especially me. I have a lot of mental health issues, a lot of problems. Every single fight, every time I had a outburst, or gave him the silent treatment, or got mad over another stupid thing, he tried so unbelievably hard to fix them. He always just wanted us to be happy and fix our problems through communication. But I was immature (still am) and dealing with my mental health issues and communication was so hard for me. I had doubts between us, there were times when I would cry and cry and wonder if we really were meant to be. He would always say “baby I never mean to hurt you.” And I could see how every time I cried over another minuscule thing how it started to hurt him more and more.
But hindsight is always 20/20, and looking back I was usually in the wrong. He was always taking care of me, my problems, fixing my issues, dealing with my crazy. I never knew what it felt like to be loved that much, or in that way. I never knew what it felt like to connect with someone on that deeper level, to laugh with someone so hard, to say anything that came to mind. I never had allowed myself to get that close to someone, I never had allowed myself to be so free to be so much myself around them. I was always reserved. Even my best of friends, will never see the complete honest real me, but he did. And he loved it anyways. He loved me regardless of my crazy, and regardless of my social anxiety. I know for such a long time that he did, and he did so much to show me that, every single day. He’d always say “I love you more than you’ll ever know” and god do I believe it. He took care of me in so many ways, and always made sure I was okay. I took it for granted. I got use to his love, I got use to being accepted, I got use to it all. I thought it would never go away. I never ever in a million years thought he would leave me, ever, because that’s how much he, over the last 3 years, continued to show me he loved me.
I don’t know how we got here. I don’t know how he went from loving me so ferociously to giving up on us, to abandoning me. I know we all make promises we can’t keep, but for some reason I really believed he would never leave me, for some stupid fucked up reason he made me feel that way, when I had spent all my life closed off, reserved, unloved, I was still happy. I was ignorantly blissfully happy by myself because I had never seen how being loved makes your world light up. I’d never seen how vibrant the flowers color were.
Our whole relationship we had made a lot of plans. We got a cat, planned to move to a new city for college in Aug of this year. Planned to have kids around 28, stupid shit, etc. We actually were suppose to move to this new city a couple months ago and he was super upset and disappointed in me when I said I couldn’t because I didn’t have my credits lined up.
Well fast forward a few months later and he needs a week of space, due to all his stress. I stuck it out. Then he needs me to move out because we moved in together to soon (I agree but it hurts nonetheless) but he still wants to be together and go to couples therapy and work through this. I stuck it out again because of the hope he will come back, and because after how well he treated me it was the least I could do. Suffer for 8 months until we move, I can do that.
And it was going really well. I got some independence, he got some freedom, we still had sleepovers every other night, and stayed up gaming and talking till 4 am most nights. Fast forward to now and I find out that he has been talking to his friends about getting a place with them in our current city. I bring up moving to the new city as we had planned and he says “where we are in our relationship right now I can’t commit to moving.” And so I broke. I questioned how he could lie to me all these years, and all these months. He cries, breaks down, and tells me how he always wanted those things for the future, he always has but things have changed, he is starting to see how we are incompatible. How he’s happy in the moment, how we have great times together, but big picture he is unhappy in our relationship. Saying all the bs excuses about how he wants to work on himself and how he doesn’t want a future if our future is how our relationship is now. He says how he think about how our kids would be beautiful, and how every single day his love for me grows more and more. But he couldn’t pull the trigger, he couldn’t say it, he said everything he said but he couldn’t say we were over. He couldn’t break up with me.
Maybe he’s a coward maybe he’s just confused but I know that man loved me with all his being, I know he did a year ago, and I know he still does now. But that love changed, I don’t know how it changed, but at some point recently it did. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment or thing that catalysts our demise. Everyone has a breaking point, and I guess he broke. Today I broke. But he had broke a long time ago.
All I want more than anything in the world is for my man back. The man that loved me endlessly, relentlessly, the man that put up with all my trauma, all my problems, and made me feel like I would be okay, that eventually one day, I would be okay, because I’d have him by my side, because we would have a little family together. I miss how lucky I felt to have him, how lucky I felt to have him move back to me.
I don’t feel lucky anymore. Not in the slightest. I could have gone the rest of my life ignorantly unloved, but now that I know the feeling, the feeling of trusting someone 100%, of giving your all to someone, f them giving their all back, of having complete reassurance, of feeling safe. God I loved the feeling of knowing that no matter what happens he‘ll be there with me on this roller coaster of life. Now I have to face life alone, my mental problems, alone, move to a new city for college, alone, have a future, alone.
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2022.01.20 05:51 jobsinanywhere Man Utd boss Ralf Rangnick singles out ‘exemplary’ unsung hero Scott McTominay for ‘contagious’ performance vs Brentford
2022.01.20 05:51 fresh_mocha 220120 New UR-Grade Performance Cards (BTS: MV Photo Sketch - BE | TOMORROW X TOGETHER (TXT): COMEBACK SHOW - Minisode1: Blue Hour | ENHYPEN: COMEBACK SHOW - BORDER: CARNIVAL)
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2022.01.20 05:51 Ok_Bread_779 I’d be willing to bet that nik will still be going on the h3h3 podcast & this is all strategically planned hype to get more people to pay for his Patreon to get more views. This is classic nik and even if he really doesn’t go on the podcast this was definitely always his plan lol & it’s working.
He always lies and gaslights his audience to ramp up views even if people just hate watch, he openly calls his audience stupid and this has always been his tactic. I could be wrong but I doubt it….. Podcast appearance or not I think he’s just playing Ethan to get even views, and yes I know he already gets more views than Ethan on some videos but it’s obvious a lot of h3 fans do not watch nik regularly cause they don’t seem to know much about him & this attention will definitely get him more views.
I know recently he lost viewers and had really bad engagement on his YouTube after mocking physically disabled people so this is just his way to get more views and attention back.
Idk we will see 🤷🏻♀️
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2022.01.20 05:51 mustafa_chachan dont use okx (okex)
i advice you all to stay away from okx , they stole my funds and i cant take them back cause my account is suspended , everytime i contact their support th3y tell me to wait for feedback its been 4 months am trying but without any solution , this exchange will lose alot of users cause of this actions , if they wanna be one of biggest exchanges they should open all suspended acounts fast not after 4 and 5 months of trying , stay awat from okx if you have alot of funds inside it , save your funds and keep it safe far from okx.
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2022.01.20 05:51 OwnTheThrone How to be decisive and make use of weapons
2022.01.20 05:51 watsgarnorn Afternoon sesh featuring: not my cat & Gidget the JRT
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2022.01.20 05:51 RYUJIN_HYPE He would’ve become a demon 🙄
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2022.01.20 05:51 prawnbiryani #unsplashcats #cute #adorable #kittens #cats #followformore
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2022.01.20 05:51 iGoonerHD Jenko vs Bayern away 2012/13
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2022.01.20 05:51 EnglebondHumperstonk Streak 130 - Rainha Jinga Mais Uma Vez
(hum...ja publiquei este texto mas desapareceu. Ou pelo menos não consigo ver... Peço desculpa se for um duplicado...)
Este texto é uma resposta a uma resposta (de Talures) ao meu texto de há uns dias. Parece mais interessante do que qualquer outro assunto de que posso imaginar nesta quinta feira.
Quanto à descrição dos móveis na sala, provavelmente representa um evento verdadeiro mas contado por várias pessoas em várias maneiras e "apimentada" por cada um. Não sei se acredito que ela literalmente se sentou nas costas dum soldado mas é uma história que valoriza o seu cargo e a igualdade de poderes, ao contrário à noção de africanos sendo selvagens ou infantís. Por isso gosto mais da história apesar das dúvidas.
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2022.01.20 05:51 jlz42p3ySSSsss PSYCHEDELIC RESEARCH VOLUNTEER
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2022.01.20 05:51 themoviehero Are there any legitimate completely online 4 year comp sci degrees in the states?
My job gives me a schedule every 4 months or so. I have no say in this schedule. If I happen to change schedules in the middle of a semester, and they days off where I had class/labs are now days I work, they will not work with me to accommodate it for school. So being able to do this all on my own time after class and on my days off, is very important to me.
I'm in the Carolinas, and am having trouble finding any, let alone in state. Any one know of any?
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2022.01.20 05:51 EyeOfSauronDevice Herero-Krieg Schutztruppe Medaille
2022.01.20 05:51 shawnulrik Hades on m1 mac black bar at top and bottom. Any way to adjust the aspect ratio?
2022.01.20 05:51 MMSTINGRAY Corbyn: Our football clubs are too important to be left in the hands of bad owners - The Labour Party
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2022.01.20 05:51 Passawee1997 Sacrificial Stone
Why aren’t all my cards available to be chosen from at the sacrificial stone? Is this intentional or am I missing something? Because I have the Black Cat card with the sigil that allows unlimited in-game sacrifice that I want to transfer its sigil to another card I own, but when I pay visit to the sacrificial stone I can’t pick this Black Cat card because it isn’t there for some reason🌑… thanks :)
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2022.01.20 05:51 avawhat231 my straight top found out i liked taylor swift and wrote me this song 🥰🥰🥰
2022.01.20 05:51 l4wz Meet Lima, 8 years old pup. She loves to bite in everything she sees!
2022.01.20 05:51 PrequelGuy Best B-sides poll (Follow the leader/Issues/Untouchables)
Proud is the definitive winner of the poll for Self-titled/Life is Peachy. Next up is their late 90s-early 2000s period. I can't even tell what album most of those songs are but whatever
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2022.01.20 05:51 pumpkincabbage Can someone suggest some good wish granting subs?
i really want to manifest something as soon as possible and i just want a subliminal that can help me manifest it better. i keep worrying it wont happen and it pulls me back.
so any subliminals that can help me fulfill my wish in a time limit?
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2022.01.20 05:51 JustuseMe23 F23 just showing off my best feature.. my mouth
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2022.01.20 05:51 Rumana67 LPI DAO
This project is great with the support of a professional team.The team has a great opportunity in the market ! An interesting project with great ambitions and ideas! the team is very strong.
LPI #LPIDAO #CRYPTO #BINANCE #BEP20 submitted by Rumana67 to ico [link] [comments]
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2022.01.20 05:51 OkStatistician3304 Liverpool requested the postponement before knowing the results of the additional round of testing
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