Dad, is everything going to be ok?

2021.12.06 06:06 notaloneravioli Dad, is everything going to be ok?

I lost my dad today. He didn't die. But I finally said goodbye.
It's been years of pain, after a childhood of abuse. He never meant to hurt me. I know he didn't. But nonetheless, he did. At this point I don't think there's anything he could ever say or do to help me recover. It's not in his hands anymore, nor is it in mine. I tried for years to recover enough to foster a relationship with him, I tried to move past it, I tried talking about it... And the truth is, there's nothing that will help it. He burned that bridge. But fuck, does it hurt. He's been trying. He's been so kind and understanding. But I don't have a connection with him anymore. I feel like I never had a dad, I just had a boss, or manager. He just raised me. He never parented or fostered a secure, coregulated emotional bond with me as a child and up into adulthood. And that can never be undone. Part of being a parent is fucking up, and I forgive him for that - he's a human. It's okay to fuck up. But sometimes we fuck up big enough that it's hard to move on. My mom made huge fuckups with me too, but she actually did what needed to be done to help us both recover from it. My dad didn't.
Furthermore, there are things that traumatized me that I'm not sure he ever will realize. He sexually traumatized me, I was aware of porn before I knew I had a vagina, or even what a vaginal canal was, because he left porn everywhere around the house. He told me how he lost his virginity, and I know what "type" he's into, because he TOLD ME. I know everything, and I have since I was 10.
I don't regret cutting him out. I don't think he did any of this intentionally. I genuinely believe he's just a fucking idiot with ZERO awareness. But what I'm scared of, more than anything, is whether he's going to be ok. I just want to know my dad is gonna be okay, even though I hurt him by saying goodbye.
I feel pathetic. I just need someone that is a father, who has gone through fuckups with their kids, who kind of gets it, to tell me that he will be okay and his life isn't over because I said goodbye. I just want my dad to be okay and I'm fucking terrified. I love him so much and I want him to be alright, I just also need him to be alright.
I don't know. I'll include below what I said on the call to him. After I said it he told me that was one of the most painful things anyone has ever said to him. His voice broke. He stifled sobs. He said he's sad he did what he did, but he will leave me alone. He said he loves me, that he's proud of me. He's heartbroken we can't learn to know each other as adults. Holy fuck. I'm hurting so much. I'm sorry dad. I love you so much. I just want you to be okay.
"Out of respect for you, and in an effort to clearly communicate where I am in my life, I really need to have this talk with you. I am thankful for a lot of the things you've done to raise me, and there are memories I have of my childhood with you that I will look back on fondly for the rest of my life. I know it was difficult to raise me, and I know you were doing the best you could. I don't fault you for that at all.
On the same token, there are actions you've taken, and words you've said, that will never be revoked. There are things you've done that will effect me for the rest of my life, and I have to bear that burden. I have cPTSD because of things you have done to me. This isn't a phase. This isn't me retaliating, or trying to punish you. I'm trying to keep myself safe. This isn't easy for me. I know it's hard to understand, and I know it hurts, but I need to set a really hard boundary with you so you don't keep torturing yourself trying to fix a relationship that isn't there anymore. You may have learned from the things that happened, and that is truly amazing, but there is nothing that can take back what has already been said and done.
If you truly cared about me, if you respect me, you will understand and respect why I'm stepping away from this relationship. I know you've wondered why this happened and you've probably blamed me, my age, the people I spend time with, my mom, and/or my mental health issues, but I need to dispell those thoughts, because they aren't true. You caused this. I know you did your best, but it just wasn't enough. Being a parent is so hard. I forgive you for that. But what I cannot forgive you for is how you dehumanized me, you manipulated me, you abused me, you traumatized me, you fostered my eating disorders, you did not trust or believe me to know myself on the most basic levels. And I will forever be undoing that damage.
I'm sorry I have to say these things out loud. It hurts me too. You have no idea how desperately I just want my dad. It pains me every day. I spend your birthday in tears and unable to function. My holidays are usually similar, because I associate them with you so closely. I don't even go by my given name to most people anymore because it's this block of pain that I associate with you. This isn't easy for me. I've spent years hoping that maybe something inside me will change and I can let go of the hurt. But I can't.
No matter what you're still my dad, and I love you. But I really really need you to understand that this bridge has been burned, and the only thing that can ever rebuild it is you realizing that you need help and going to therapy for yourself. Not for me, or anyone else. But for you. Please don't reach out to me anymore. I don't want gifts, or happy birthday messages, or anything. I just want to be able to live my life."
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2021.12.06 06:06 blahzayedude $350 BUDGET AXIE INFINITY TEAM | BEST TIME TO BUY??

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2021.12.06 06:06 Pet_Russian8448 Never gonna regret this background

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2021.12.06 06:06 Agreeable-Ad-8307 Give us some feedback!

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2021.12.06 06:06 palex00 Kronii's Schedule [05.12 - 11.12] :)

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2021.12.06 06:06 Sbenny_Official CHRONO TRIGGER (Upgrade Ver.)

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2021.12.06 06:06 TheSledgeHamSandwich I just hit 10k views and 1k Subscribers!!!

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2021.12.06 06:06 MrMarvelous92 Will Farrel is not funny at all.

I know that comedy is subjective, and that there are people who can provide good arguments as to why they find Will Farrel to be funny, but I am yet to understand them. There are some good movies with him in it, but he was never funny. Hes a decent actor but doesnt make me laugh. I find his humor childish, simple, superficial, relying on physical humor and loud and weird noises, making faces in order to be "funny". Dont get me started on his latest movies, especially Holmes and Watson... shudders
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2021.12.06 06:06 ShankUndefeated Underrated Fighters in the First Law World

Lord Marshal Varuz: A winner of the Contest, commander of the union army, and has trained at least three champions of the Contest in West, Glokta, and Jezal (with Jezal having a bit of help from Bayaz of course but still, Jezal wasn't bad at all, and maybe would have even won without help if not facing Gorst).
General Ganmark: Former commander and was able to take on Monza and Cosca at once (albeit Monza had a mangled hand and Cosca was not in his prime).
Jonas Steepfield/Clover: A named man, and we see he still has some skill with the blade despite hardly using it. Also the trainer of Calder's younger son, who seems to be set up as an absolute killer going forward.
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2021.12.06 06:06 nocontroversies For those who did Cech SBC and are not impressed by him.

Give him another try!
As a Chelsea fan I did him immediately. Realised he is the worst goalkeeper I've ever tried in game. Benched him for areola. Few days later changed my team and brought cech back into starting lineup. And my god he is absolutely insane. Never has my opinion shifted on a card from one extreme to another. Right now I feel dirty using him since he feels like a cheatcode. Goals my opponent deserve to score but they don't because of this monster in goal. I'll suggest give him a casual try again sometime without expecting much. Maybe you'll be surprised.
I don't know how or why he has suddenly started playing so well but I am delighted to have him in goal and suddenly I can defend aggressively knowing my Maldini has his back covered by Cech.
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2021.12.06 06:06 TongueFeast85 Is Today Thursday?

No.
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2021.12.06 06:06 HauntingHoliday4927 18M wanna text, laugh and share stuff?

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2021.12.06 06:06 Soramakiroll Hideyo-kun

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2021.12.06 06:06 callum3214 Anyone use him?

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2021.12.06 06:06 Aggressive_Machine64 New level of toxicity(yonko commanders = admirals)πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚


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2021.12.06 06:06 RegExrBot Funko Pop! Deluxe Album: The Doors - Waiting For The Sun - Walmart Exclusive now available at Walmart

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2021.12.06 06:06 roundtree31 Want to try the Floki but but it’s charging me double the amount I was going to buyπŸ€·β€β™‚οΈ

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2021.12.06 06:06 jayhaynes Reshiram 10 players 9515 6908 4494

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2021.12.06 06:06 ningnongnangneng some matches are not balanced and often result in the killer having to camp for a 1k, so i made a killer perk that i think will make some late games for the new players more balanced and they will enjoy them more, making less face campers

some matches are not balanced and often result in the killer having to camp for a 1k, so i made a killer perk that i think will make some late games for the new players more balanced and they will enjoy them more, making less face campers
let me know if there is something you would want to change with this perk
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2021.12.06 06:06 jdebrnd Kraftwerk - Autobahn

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2021.12.06 06:06 vintage_life But did the train run on time?

Blatantly stolen from another post because it made me cackle:
A Frenchman, an Englishman, an old maid, and a attractive young blonde are sharing a train car. At one point the train goes through a tunnel putting the entire car into pitch black darkness. There is a loud smack sound and when the train leaves the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his cheek.
The old maid thinks: I bet that Frenchman tried to grope the young lady and she smacked him.
The young blonde things: I bet that Frenchman tried to grope me and grabbed the old lady by accident and she smacked him.
The Frenchman thinks: I bet that Englishman groped the young blonde and she smacked me by mistake
The Englishman thinks: I hope we go through another tunnel so I can smack that Frenchman again.
submitted by vintage_life to CasualUK [link] [comments]


2021.12.06 06:06 aryadesai171 Smol cat was sitting comfortably on my palm

Smol cat was sitting comfortably on my palm submitted by aryadesai171 to IllegallySmolCats [link] [comments]


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