Why is my (50M) daughter (28F) so selfish and disrespectful?

2021.12.07 21:32 AdhesivenessHungry19 Why is my (50M) daughter (28F) so selfish and disrespectful?

I (50M) have three daughters (32F, 30F, and 28F). My (50M) youngest daughter (28F) and I have had a rocky relationship since she was a tween. She was a complete Daddy's Girl as a kid, but things got worse as she got older. She stayed in her room, she was very sarcastic and disrespectful, had trouble keeping her room clean, getting her to talk to me was like pulling teeth, and she always seemed angry.
When she eventually went off to college, she avoided coming home during breaks, summers, or holidays if she could help it (opting to take summer classes or spend time with her mother's side of the family or go home with a friend). Once she graduated from college and got her first corporate job, she seemed to distance herself even further. I can't help but feel like she distances herself from our family because she is ashamed of us being that we are working class and not college-educated like the people that she chooses to associate with. She is now engaged to a man that we have never met and I can't help but feel like she is going to completely cut us off once they get married.
I thought that things were improving with our relationship being that she had at one point started coming around more often. In May 2020, she bought a townhome about twenty minutes away from where I live and I noticed that she began to shy away from our family. Things came to a head when in August 2020, she told my mother (65F) that she was going to Atlanta with a friend for her birthday and she asked my mother not to tell me. My mother told me anyway and I tried to convince her not to go (the COVID-19 rate was the highest in the nation at the time). She said that she was going anyway because she'd already paid for everything and couldn't get her money back.
When she came back from the trip, she claimed that I was upset with her and that there was tension between her and myself (which wasn't true and this was all in her head). She began to come around even less due to this "tension". In September 2020, she missed my birthday dinner, sent me a text message wishing me a Happy Birthday (rather than calling me), and gave me my birthday gift three days late (instead of before or on the day of my birthday). She said that no one told her about my birthday dinner (which was true, but she should have called around and asked about my birthday plans). Once I vented to my mother about this, my mother sent her a text message criticizing her for not doing enough to honor my birthday and that I deserve better after all I've done for her and let her know that everyone believes that she is ashamed of our family, that she's stuck up, thinks that she's better than everyone, that she's forgotten where she's come from, and what goes up can always come down. She ignored my mother's text and attempted to patch things up, but still remaining significantly distant.
In March 2021, the family had a get-together to celebrate the anniversary of my brother's death. I invited her and she came. She tried to avoid my mother despite my mother's attempts to converse with her. My mother took her aside and tried to apologize for the text message. She apparently told my mother that she accepts her apology but she (my mother) seems to have a habit of saying hurtful things when she is upset (which isn't true and no one knows what she is talking about) so she would prefer to keep things at a distance. My mother told her that she is trying to change and would like to start fresh, but my daughter refused and would rather continue to bear a grudge against her. My mother kept trying to convince her to accept the apology, but her effort were futile. My mother told her, that if something were to happen to her, then my daughter could never say that my mother didn't try to make an effort to make amends, but my daughter didn't seem to care. My daughter said that the "drama and tension" makes her uncomfortable and she retreats to avoid it. She also added that if it weren't for my late brother, she would not have felt comfortable coming over. Things then got heated and my daughter said that she was done with the conversation and disrespectfully walked away from my mother although my mother told her to come back.
As my daughter attempted to gather her things and leave, I tried to pull her aside in a room to see what happened. She hugged me and told me that she did not want me getting involved. My mother ran after her, shut to door and told me that she was trying to apologize but my daughter refused to accept her apology. My mother told me that she said that she was only here for my late brother. Things got heated again and my daughter raised her voice at my mother. This is the most disrespectful we'd ever seen her be. I just let her leave since she clearly didn't want to be there.
She became even more distant-- barely responding to my phone calls or texts. She didn't come see me on Father's Day, she just had an Edible Arrangement sent to my house. I was hoping she'd come for Thanksgiving, but she ignored my call when I tried to invite her. I learned on FaceBook that she hosted Thanksgiving her house and invited her mother's side of the family (and I assume her fiancΓ©'s family) but didn't bother inviting us.
I've never understood why she is so cold toward us. I've always been there for her and gave her everything that she wanted (I tried to be the father that my own dad wasn't). I don't understand how she could be so self-centered, arrogant, selfish, and disrespectful. I say all these things, but I still crave a relationship with her. When she does actually respond to my calls, I try to tell her about our family vacations and fun things hoping that it would make her want to come around, but she doesn't seem to care.
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