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2021.12.04 13:18 ngwatso I'm feeling traumatized from therapy, not sure how to work through it

I suffered a lot of trauma as a child. My mother left on my 4th birthday, my father physically abused me and my siblings from the time I was 4 until I was 15. Going to school gave no reprieve as I was constantly picked on and bullied there as well. I left home when I was 17 and just started throwing myself into my work, I worked a lot and I didn't really ever take the time to process my childhood.
Last year, Covid hit and I became very stressed out, depressed, anxious and started having trouble just making it to work each day. My wife and I decided that I would start seeing a therapist and leave my job. I have pretty bad social anxiety and was scared to try to talk to someone I didn't know, so I had my wife ask our son's therapist if she would see me, as I felt comfortable with her.
She started seeing me in July 2020, and I became pretty dependent on her pretty quickly. She never set any kind of boundaries with me, would allow me to email and text her outside of sessions, which I would do constantly. I became way too attached, and I didn't see any issue with my contacting her. My wife would tell me I was reaching out too much, I would talk to my therapist about it, and she would say not to worry about it, she would tell me if it was a problem. I am a very literal thinker, I believe I am autistic, and when she told me it was fine, I felt it was and my wife was wrong.
During the first couple of months of therapy, I began experiencing transference. I was very troubled by it when it first started, researched it to find out what it was, then brought it to my therapist and asked her to help me deal with it. She never helped me actually dig into the root cause to help me deal with it, she would just say things about the fact that it wasn't real, it was ok to feel that way, it would go away. It did go away, but it would keep coming back throughout my time with her, I would feel it usually for about a week or two and then it would go away, and we would continue to not deal with it.
I eventually started asking her to set boundaries on our communications outside of session, I told her that I had trouble setting my own boundaries and asked her to help me. I feel she should have told me not to reach out between sessions, but she would set up boundaries such as, if I email before Wednesday she would reply by Wednesday, and if I emailed before Sunday she would reply by Sunday.
She kept not adhering to this set up, it would trigger me, I would tell her, she would change it a bit, and it just went on like that until November 2021. In November, she helped me get a job with a friend of hers, and I got very stressed out when I started the job. The stress of the job, as well as sitting in close proximity to her friend, made it so I was thinking about her all the time. I had one last bout of transference, but it was so strong this time I felt it was real; I was convinced I was in love with her. This went on for two weeks, and I felt horrible for what I was feeling. I felt as though I was cheating on my wife, but I didn't know how to deal with it.
I decided I was just going to try to stop therapy, and didn't show up to my next session. I brought my son in for his session and told her I wasn't going to sit in anymore, and she told me we needed to talk. When we talked, I told her I thought I was in love with her and that I felt horrible, I told her I didn't know what to do. I spun out of control after that, and nearly took my own life the following Wednesday. I managed to reach out to my mother-in-law and got her to take me to the hospital, and I stayed there for a week before coming home to my family.
I knew when I got out that I needed to stop seeing this therapist and find a new one, but my attachment was so strong at this point that it hurt so much to not be able to reach out to her and get comfort. I did reach out several times, but she never responded to me. I ended up having a breakdown, my guilt was so strong, and I told my wife everything.
My wife was very supportive, she has helped me to get set up with intense outpatient therapy, and she is going to be involved in my therapy for now to help me to stick within healthy boundaries. However, I really wanted closure from the previous therapist. It was tearing me up that I felt the way I did and couldn't get anything out of her. I just really wanted her to say that she was sorry she didn't set boundaries, that she didn't work through the transference with me, and that she didn't recognize that I needed to be referred to someone else.
My wife did manage to get her to have a 15 minute phone conversation with us, and I asked her why she let it get out of hand, why she didn't set boundaries, why she didn't deal with the transference. I couldn't get anything from her except that I had acted inappropriate, and that everything I felt she missed was all in my head.
Am I wrong for believing that she allowed me to get way too attached? I have a history of abandonment and I had ongoing transference, but she said it was all me. I'm sorry, I know this is very long; I really just need to get it out more than anything, but I would love some input as to how I can work through these feelings, without getting the closure I need, so I can get on to healing.
submitted by ngwatso to TalkTherapy [link] [comments]


2021.12.04 13:18 Jeromioweb Les jeux "Play-to-Earn" envahissent la DeFi

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2021.12.04 13:18 Quote-Environmental Xbox Series X - Dolby Atmos audio delay

I’ve recently upgraded to an Atmos receiver and have it connected via eARC. Both the receiver and tv have eARC and I’m getting around 250ms audio delay. Seems from a quick Google search others have had this issue but can anyone shed some light for me? Has anyone resolved this issue?
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2021.12.04 13:18 u-copycat How to Mine Zilliqa Zil on Your Laptop in 2021

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2021.12.04 13:18 zacrana Dark haciéndose el único y diferente al decir laque lo que le gusta de makima son sus ojos

Dark haciéndose el único y diferente al decir laque lo que le gusta de makima son sus ojos submitted by zacrana to Darkraiposting [link] [comments]


2021.12.04 13:18 Jeromioweb Les jeux "Play-to-Earn" envahissent la DeFi

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