Why do I want an abusive partner?

2021.10.16 01:00 Vast-Responsibility3 Why do I want an abusive partner?

I feel like this is a touchy subject so let me clarify that I have faced many forms of abuse and I'm in no way trying to romantise it.
Since I was young it was evident to me that my idea of a relationship isn't traditional in any sense.
I'd have these breakdowns where I'd write in detail about how I'd like someone to hurt me, sometimes really badly- usually really badly and in graphic detail.
Whenever I find myself in a talking phase where it's healthy I always drift away, sometimes abruptly deleting or ghosting.
I can't envision myself in a healthy relationship; I just can't imagine anything like that long-term.
When I was bullied in high school I always wanted the people bullying me to like me romantically or force me into stuff, I don't even know if that's wanting validation or something else. I remember the one time they were inapropriate with me I was really happy to have someone see me that way. Even getting jealous of other girls they bullied- weird asf.
I also find myself drifting to people who are self-centered, sadistic, perverted, dirty, manipulative and borderline sociopathic. Why is this?
This isn't really helped by sites like tiktok and writing sites which recognise this. I consume a lot of media where it is romantised and even more media where it isn't yet nothing deters me from wanting it.
I denied it for so long but I do want to love someone, even if they don't love me back. I was always disgusted by it, I hate affection and I hate the whole act couples have yet I really want it to be forced upon me.
I feel as if that if I aren't the one being abused, then it's be me abusing the other. I've had an obsession with someone for 5 years, and I've been so so so cruel to them.
Anyways, please leave your thoughts below. I'm aware it's not normal but I don't have the resources to go to therapy so suggesting treatment won't help.
Thanks for reading:)
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well, until I pass out for the night. right now I'm listening to Life Goes On by Oliver Tree, with my puppy stuffie on the couch, and if you'd like to join, chat me. we can talk about anything you want, and if you have discord, that's a bonus. see you soon :)

(16 ftm usa)
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So, I have a very nippy corgi puppy whom I adore, but obviously the biting has been a problem.
She likes to chase my coworker’s and my legs as we walk past and grab onto pants, etc. She’s doing a good job of learning “no” and will usually stop pulling on me and sit/look up at me as when I stop moving and sternly say “no.” I try to treat her every time she does this.
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